


Burden

by Aweebwrites



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety Attacks, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-03 23:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19194439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aweebwrites/pseuds/Aweebwrites
Summary: Kozu takes a moment to break...





	Burden

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I am Kozu Trash™ and I love my boy. Which also means I must hurt my boy.

He walked away, back straight, stride intimidating, encouraging no-one to follow him. He kept going, locking himself into the nearest room. The bathroom. Of course. He released a shaky breath and took in an even shakier breath in. He didn’t need to breathe in but breathing exercises helped. Or at least they used to. He was spiraling into an anxiety attack, his breathing getting faster, his hands shaking harder. He sat into the tub, drawing his knees to his chest, wrapping all four arms around them, trying to breathe, trying to calm but this has been building up for days. It wasn’t about to go away.

Why did he agree to go to the stupid museum? He almost lost another brother, lost them to the bottomless pit their largest brother was found in, solely because mortals despised them still. Had he not been there, the scout would have fallen in, would have been out of his reach to help. He dug his claws into the material he wore, convulsions getting worse, hyperventilating. He should have listened to his instincts. Should have kept them away from such a public space. But he couldn’t keep them all locked away. Couldn’t keep them prisoners. But he wanted to protect them!

He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t foolish enough to think that this would be the last time something like this would happen.

_‘Your fault…’_

He shudders almost violently, all out panting now, trying to at least keep quiet, not wanting them to worry. Not wanting them to see him like this. They looked to him as a leader, as a brother. What would they think seeing him as he was now? He wanted to give up. His efforts to keep them together, keep them alive seeming to be going nowhere. His upper arms came to grip his hair, tugging at the long strands from the roots.

The thoughts consuming him, sinking their claws into his mind was maddening. His wants, his intentions were simple yet so complicated to achieve. He’s done everything he could yet it wasn’t enough still! His vision blurs, the black liquid with purple glowing specks welling up in his eyes as he bit back a sob, tugging harder at his hair, no doubt managing to pull out a few strands. Maybe it’s because he had been isolating himself, his brothers from the world around them. If he had help… But he was a general! He lead his brothers into war more than once! A simple task as keeping the remaining few of them safe and alive shouldn’t be so hard! And who would he even get help from? Everyone despises them! They are better off sticking to the selves! It was so hard to hold on, being as stretched as thin as he was. He muffled a sob into his knees.

He had to keep going. Had to keep protecting them, had to keep working, had to keep planning, had to keep tabs, had to keep doing. If he stopped then everything would have been for nothing. Then he and they might as well have been destroyed with the rest of their brethren. But the road ahead seemed endless, filled with nothing hut obstacle after obstacle, risk after risk with chances of frustration so low, giving up seems easiest. He makes all the right moves. He plots them, knowing what will lead where but even then there is always something. There’s always something to put them ten steps back. He’s only been feeling more and more lost. He puts on this façade, letting the word, letting his brothers see Kozu the Stone General, the reliable brother that has everything under control, that’s always two steps ahead but he was nowhere near the person they think he is. He wished he was, he really did but he wasn’t. The next muffled sob shook his entire body, his clawed toes curling. He had to shoulder these burdens. He knew he had to. He couldn’t leave them to his brothers. They didn’t deserve to. He had to be the one. He always had to be the one. He had to do this on his own.

He questions why sometimes but then he would look at his brothers, eyes dulled with lack of sleep, looking haunted as they did, fidgety… Then he’d remember exactly why. He hiccuped, swallowing down another sob. He wasn’t cut out for this. Not any more. He had too many doubts, too many what ifs choking him, too many uncertainties. He had to question everything he did. He… He didn’t trust himself. Not with them. Not with all of this. What if he ends up worse than father? What if his decision destroy all of them left? What if… What if?! His attack spiraled even further. He couldn’t breathe. He didn’t need to breath but his chest burns, his throat is clogged up. The dark matter soaked his jeans, turning the material gray with each drop from his eyes. Everything felt as if it was spinning further and further out of his control. His head was spinning with it all. His claws ripped his jeans the more he dug them into the material as he released his hair, only to clutch his chest, his vision going spotty.

_No_. He can’t fail any further. He has no time to fall unconscious! He had no time for this! He squeezed his eyes shut, starting up a low rumble in his throat and focused on the sound. Not his erratic and unnecessary breathing, not the swirling, suffocating thoughts of failure, not the dark matter flowing from his eyes. The constant purr in his throat was the only stable thing about him right now, the only thing he can rely on to bring him back, no matter how far down the rabbit hole he’s fallen. His breathing began to settle, giving the purrs a longer, deeper drawl. He tried not to think any further but the thoughts were insistent. He’s changed so much from the confident, sturdy general he used to be. Afraid of his own thoughts, afraid of losing even more, afraid of going to sleep, afraid… Afraid of everything. He didn’t know what to do and in truth, he didn’t need to know before. He had his father to direct him. He had the Overlord to tell him what to do. It was so much easier back then. To have someone else in control. To have someone else make the big decisions. Not with the helmet. Never with the helmet.

He wished…  _He wished…_

He increased the volume of his purrs once his breathing began to pick up again, squeezing his eyes shut tighter, trying to block everything out. Somewhere during, he began rocking himself back and forward, relishing in the darkness his closed eyes gave him, his purrs loud and blocking any noise, anymore thoughts. He peered over his knees, his green eyes dull and without their usual glow. He hasn’t been sleeping. He has gone two weeks without even seeing his bed. He didn’t want to go anywhere near that nightmare trap. Didn’t want to relive his failures. Didn’t want to hear them…

He swiped the dark matter from his eyes, careful of his claws then sat back, feeling utterly exhausted. He couldn’t sleep. Refused to. Especially when there was so much to do. He should be out there, doing damage control. With how abruptly he left, they must think him angry, must think him tired of them. Never. He forced himself to his feet, taking a moment to adjust as his vision blacked out for a few seconds. He stepped out of the bathtub and paused to glance at himself in the mirror. His hair was a mess. More than usual at least. He didn’t have time to fix it. Once he pushed the door open, he was met with several pairs of glowing green eyes. He felt as if he was suffocating under them. They couldn’t know. He had to stand tall. Had to look out for them. Before he could say something to clear the air, a scout walked up to him. The very same one who had almost spent who knows long in that hole.

That was another thing. They needed names, not just a specific sounding grunt to identify them. Father only saw fit for two of them to have names. He and Kane, the largest of them all. Yet another thing to worry of. Their brother did not deserve to be imprisoned. He had to free him. He had to- A small hand wrapped around his finger, snapping him out of his thoughts. The scout tugged on it and he hesitated for a moment then followed where he lead, his legs feeling heavy. Everything was… He stumbled, legs refusing to go any further as his vision began to blur. Luckily, the couch was there to catch his fall.

**_'You must rest.’_**  A warrior says, gently pushing his shoulders so he was laying down, the scouts swinging his legs up.

He wanted to protest. There was still too much to do. He didn’t have time to rest. He couldn’t seem to get the words out, his body slowly shutting down.

**_'We can survive on our own for a few hours.’_ **

A pillow was set under his head, his hair being manipulated in such a way, it made it clear they were brushing it out. No. They didn’t need to take care of him. He should be the one taking… His eyelids dropped, growing heavier by the second.

_**'Sleep.’** _

Kozu didn’t have much of a choice, did he? He finally passed out, a swordsman throwing a blanket over him, all of them settling around their oldest brother protectively. They set his braided hair on top of the blanket before a low chorus of purrs started up around him. They knew he worked hard, knew everything he did was for them. They also knew the toll it took on him, heard the sobs he tries to keep quiet, heard him purr to himself to keep calm. They knew it all but there was so little they could do. They try to learn quickly, to aid their brother but it is not easy and they needed the time. They didn’t know how to comfort, the word itself so… Foreign to them. But they try in ways like this. Tried for him. The aftermath of their father weighs on them but he will not be returning anytime soon. They had to adapt and move forward.

“Sleep well, brother.” The Scout says quietly, resting his head against the side of the couch.

Things are hard, yes but… They hope the future would treat them kindly... Treat Kozu kindly...

**Author's Note:**

> Pardon the mistakes if there are any!


End file.
